The Re-Awakening
Some time ago, I was invited to write a piece for an anthology recounting a “moment of awakening”. The anthology has not come to fruition, or perhaps it’s simmering gently somewhere, so I’m sharing it here with you. Elle
In an old journal entry dated July 2003 I find notes from a Taos, New Mexico weekend retreat. It is the first gathering by Julia Cameron based on her book The Artist's Way. My journal notes contain two complete letters, assignments we were given by Julia. One is a letter from my young artist about what she wants me to do. The other is a letter from my seventy-year-old wiser self, encouraging my efforts to live a creative life.
I was fifty years old when I went to The Artist's Way retreat. I felt lost and at loose ends. I’d gone through an unsettling career transition and a divorce. I’d left the east coast and returned to New Mexico. I had become a grandmother. Like many women in midlife, I was searching for myself. Also like many women, I used journaling and drawing to light the way.
It was 2021 when, by chance, I came upon these old letters. I was in another period of transition. I’d left my life as a corporate employee and been through an intense period of training as a certified life coach. I was feeling scattered and misdirected. I was nearing seventy, close enough to see if the message I’d sent from the past held anything of value. I sat with my journal and a hushed sense of curiosity.
This is what I had written.
“You’re fine. You’re just fine! You may be afraid that you’ve lost your way, that nothing in your life amounts to anything. But your instincts have been true all along. An inner voice sent you in search of the skills you will need to live your passion. No need to second guess yourself. You’re in the perfect place at the perfect time, with all the skills you need on board. Have a lovely time. Your later years will be your best.”
Ah. But I found the letter from my young artist to be the more evocative. It contained a poignant message for me.
“Take me down the paths I didn’t dare to go. Ask the questions that I was forbidden to ask. Find the people and experiences that clarify my vision. Remember the things that are filled with light and imagery for me. A painting of a ballerina, a big inflatable beach ball, the Blessed Virgin and all the beads of the rosary, holy cards with pictures of the saints, Mary Poppins books, the Cassell's French Dictionary, the cartridge pen with aquamarine ink cartridges, those red shoes.
Many things I love will be taken from me and I will deny myself the memory of what is dear. Please carry these for me. Venture from the safe path. Write my story and give myself back to me. Learn to love me and my young dreams. I am not foolish.
It may take some time. All attempts, each moment of attention to live creatively count for something and are not wasted.
Your mother thinks you are the brave one. Be brave for me.”
With these words, I began a period of exploration in the company of other women my age. We had a lot of life behind us, and the spirit of Elder energy calling us forward. We met in the dark of Winter. To guide our journey, we used The Handless Maiden tale from Clarissa Pinkola Estés’s Women Who Run with the Wolves.
The passage in Estés’s book that burned brightly for me was the reminder that nothing is lost in the psyche, either individually or collectively. A culture such as ours, that so insistently lauds individuality, will sever the connection with our feminine psyche. To honor this connection is to reclaim our power.
As we journey through life, we enter new stages of growth many times. Our skills are shaky and our knowledge incomplete. We’ll be propelled forward by curiosity and wonder and fear. Continuously seeking new terrain, acquiring confidence, requires patience and power, and an abiding love of the ways which lead to deeper spiritual knowing.
I’ve always believed, based on an intuitive feeling, that there is a force working beneath the surface of consciousness that guides my life. This force has greater impact and a truer aim than my conscious self. I’ve learned to trust that the path, though meandering, is true.
We are born full spirited and with purpose. We are always on our path, the path that we walk as women. We’re not alone and although it sometimes feels as if our journey is uncharted, it is not. When you listen with your heart, you feel a drumbeat on the path, beneath your feet, that calls you to be one with the ancestral feminine collective.
Accompanying us and supporting us are all the women who’ve journeyed before us, for they are journeying with us in our lifetime and into the lives of those who will come after.
Awakening to this over and over again is our sacred task.
Elle Dooley, February 2023
Invite yourself to remember your own awakening moments, and share if you are called. Highest love.
